OK, so I wrote this a couple weeks ago and just now got around to publishing... I told you I had alot of stuff on my mind...

This blog has been in my head for the past two weeks, and I am still not sure if I want to put this out in the universe, but here it goes. There are just some things that piss me off when it comes to relationships. I do not claim to be an expert, because God alone knows I have made a lot of mistakes and have had some very disastrous experiences when it comes to the whole love thing. I have however, tried to learn from my experiences and to make a mental list of my likes/dislikes and note the things that happened that I would not like to repeat. And for the most part I have been able to do just that, hence the reason I had not entirely given up on the idea of meeting someone and falling in lots of like, or falling in love, getting married and having a family of my own.

Well last year I met someone… and while I do not expect anyone to be perfect, cause I am by far not perfect myself. There are however some expectations that I have, that I do not think are too unreasonable. I know expressing one’s self comes naturally for some and for others it can bring them to a state of deep anxiety. I used to be in the latter group and had to learn and grow into the person I have become today, one who tries to clearly state my feelings about things, and try not to hurt anyone’s feelings. I try to be honest and sincere and I know that if I do that then there will be less misunderstandings. Well others have yet to grow into themselves and I hate it when there is an air of ambiguity. If you are upset with a person for any reason, it is my opinion (and you may differ) that you should share that with the other person. Trust me, it helps… it helps knowing what went wrong and how to right that wrong. What I can understand, but cannot fathom or condone is the silent treatment. I think it is cowardly…If you are upset with me, tell me…that is the only way I am going to know that you are, and please do me the courtesy of telling me why during the process…Grow a pair!

A pair of what you might ask, but I don’t think I need/have to spell it out, but for those of you who need specificity in life “A Pair of Balls”. A pair of balls, that part of the male genitalia that just hangs around, but gets all up in the mix when the adrenalin rush hits them. Who feels the need to join in the party somewhere in the middle, to make things happen, so to speak. In this male dominated existence that we live in, it is funny, even hilarious, yet commonplace that something that is to be associated with a position of strength and certainty be likened unto a pair of balls. Cowardice is the equivalent of not having a pair of balls. We all know women have strength untold and untapped. Well, that’s just what I felt like telling the person in my life… grow a pair!! And I am sure they would not have appreciated it, just as much as I did not appreciate getting the silent treatment and having to try and figure out why they were upset with me. But I am fairly intuitive so I was able to figure it out on my own, but really is it too much to ask you to talk to me…

Well all this talk about balls, took me back to my college days. I was a very shy person and still find it sometimes hard opening up and sharing myself with people, but I know I have definitely gotten a whole lot better…but when I first started college I found it hard to make friends and by the end of my first year, I had only made two friends of my own (outside of the friends of my sister, who she introduced me to). Well one of those two friends had a saying, “Bite my Balls Bitch!” lol J Looking back I have to laugh at the phrase, but trust me to a shy island girl, they were, well those were fighting words and showed strength and made another person think twice about stepping to you. Loosely I guess it could be also translated to mean “Kiss My Ass!” And not the words that should be coming out the mouth of a young lady, but so much more exciting and enticing, especially when first coming to understand an experiencing road rage. Well I guess my friend did not realize how much I totally enjoyed the phrase and had adopted it into my becoming a little bit more Americanized. Because as we all know, as humans all we really want to do is fit in, to belong and be accepted. Well one day we were at Meijer and this person happened to do something and annoyed me and I blurted it out…lol you could imagine the shock on her face when I said it. You should have seen her face, but she put me in check immediately and I don’t think I have ever said it ever again, but there have been times when I may have been tempted to say it and a whole lot more, just like I could not bring myself to say it loud, and to the person who needs to hear it the most-“Grow A Pair!”

What I have realized though, is that words like time is something you can never take back, and never mind you might be thinking it, feeling, writing about it, once you say it, you have to be able to live with it… and I am not sure I am at that point just yet, the point where I have to live with the consequences…